It has been awhile since Suzie posted on this blog but she still wants to share with her family and friends her thoughts and experiences. She has asked me, Yasmin, to occasionally update this blog. Hopefully, by doing so those who care about Suzie will know what is going on.
Today is a better day than the past couple of days. Pain and nausea ruled the day and Suzie spent most of the day in bed. Yesterday it was difficult to manage the intractable pain and the medication dosage had to be adjusted twice. But she got up later today and is feeling better. Finally the pain medication dosage seems to be at the level that will adequately address the level of pain for now.
Because it has taken awhile to get the ongoing pain managed, Suzie has not been up to posting on this blog. Though weaker and struggling with the effects of the cancer, it is important to Suzie that her friends and family are kept updated regarding her status. As she put it - "I do not want anyone wondering whether I have said good-bye to the world!"
Thank you to all for your love, patience and concern. It is hard to say how often the blog will be updated, but please know that updates will come.
Sunday, January 13, 2013
I know you folks want to know how I am doing. Right now that is hard to write about because since yesterday nothing has changed. So what do I tell you about?
I guess part of what I can tell you is that you may have heard that some people who are sick like me get a feeling about when they are going to die. Well, for me that seems to be true. I know that when I had heard that I wondered how it made those people feel, maybe you are wondering that about me so I will tell you. I hope you find it interesting.
I feel that I have between 6 and 8 weeks of life left and I am not frightened at this feeling. There are 2 or 3 of things that I know I need to be completed before them and I have been able to get help for two of these things the third one I must do myself. A few years from now my children may wish that I had done other things for them before I died, but truly I was hoping to get more time. Like an entire year more, but now I feel very certain that will not happen. Because of that I must choose what I have the energy to do along with the time to do. If life was ideal I would have another 20 or 30 years to do things but that just is not reality for me.
Now why am I not frightened by the thought of dying so soon? For that is an easy answer, my faith in the Lord. I know that I am blessed with friends and family members from almost all faiths and some that choose to have none. All of which is great. Please understand that I am only expressing how I feel. I believe that there is another phase of life. I believe that there is a heaven and that it is a very wonderful place to go. I look forward to being reunited with my loved ones, like my dad. With this belief it takes fear out of the picture.
Another thing that I have found is that it is kind of like being given a project and after years and years of working on it I have finally been given a dead line to complete things by. Now in some ways that is bad because I didn’t get things done that I would have liked to, because I thought I could do those after I retired. (That is retire at the age of 65, and have a few healthy years ahead of me.) But that did not happen so I have to be realistic and try to do what I can in the time given. I am sure that there are other people who would not like this feeling at all. They would be going crazy trying to get everything they wanted to do done. But me I have just given up on smaller projects that would have been fun to do but I now there is just no time. By realizing just how little time I really have I have cut the smaller of life’s project must be forgotten, prioritized what REALLY needed to be done, thinking of my sons, I moved on to what has to be done. Now that I have done that I was able to ask for major help on two of those projects and I have been blessed with two great friends who are working on them for me. Rita and Yasmin are each working on projects that mean a great deal to me.
I think I have said all I can on this. However, if any of you have questions you would like to ask me please feel free to do so.
Friday, January 11, 2013
Hi Friends & Family
At the moment I can type in comfort. I am hoping for greater relief next week. I found that my computer has a program on it that would allow me to talk and have the computer do the typing for me. Next week after my brother heads home I am going to try to teach myself how to use the program.
Now how am I doing, I am really with my brother’s visit. It has been great to have him tell us all about his life in Manila and the vacation’s he and his wife have taken. He has some great photos on his computer and we had a lot of fun looking through most of them. It was like having a vacation to Thailand sitting in my living room.
I am feeling good emotionally although I will say I do have my ups and downs but don’t we all? How would any one feel being told they have six to eight weeks left to live? Of course, my feeling is a little different, my response is only God knows! I am not just going to curl up and let it happen. I have a few things that I need to make sure are done before I die and I need to refine that list and then work with those who are helping me to see what is being done. I have one person doing a great job on some of this and so all I ask is for a weekly update, otherwise, it is her problem, not mine. I must sit down with one person and go over a detailed review of what I expect from him when the time comes and what I have already put together a lot of information for him.
Life for me is good considering what I am going through. I could be going through worse things although off the top of my head I don’t know what. But I have put my faith in the Lord to get me through this and so far He has. So I will continue to trust Him right up until the end. Then I look forward to walking into the arms of a loved one and having an end to this pain. After that I will look forward to looking forward to being reunited with each of you when you join me in Heaven.
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Two days of rest has been very nice. Jim was over today but we all kept things very quiet.
Yesterday I made a little time to work on straightening my bedroom and it is coming along very nicely. I am very pleased with this new arrangement. I also think my nurse and PCA are going to find things more accessible for them. That is something I would like to do for them. I think it would also take pressure off of my mind.
There is nothing else to tell any of you about. I know that these posts are short, but typing is hard for me know and the pain is increasing. I will talk to my nurse about that.
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
I know that is has been several days since I have posted anything on my blog. It has been a very busy few days, company from Manila, (my brother, Jim), has kept the house very busy. But that is far from all. I chose to rearrange my bedroom. It needed to be done. I had taken several days accepting the fact that soon I may need a hospital bed. Although I do not have one yet we, (Mom & I) thought it would be smartest to be prepared before it was ordered.
It has taken more out of me than I expected to get this done, even though all I have done is the “heavy” looking on. The room is still not done, but one major factor has been accomplished, we moved my dresser out from in front of the heating vent.
Today was an extremely busy day for me. In fact I greatly over did things. I started by having my first Rakia treatment. It was great I really did learn how to relax and I am starting to learn how to release the tension and ease the pain. Just has we started this my cane was delivered, and it had to be adjusted to the right height so we had to stop take care of that and then start all over again.
Then one of my dear friends came over to help me to work on getting my bedroom reorganized. Again I did more watching than working. Durning this a Brother from the Church came over, just as my middle son, wife and her son showed up. I had asked my son to move my dresser for me along with a box. So that slowed things down again. In fact it got to the point that I had to go and lay down. But I could lay down and do some guiding of my friend on the work I needed. My needing to lay down seem to break up the “party” because just after that everyone except my brother Jim left. He then went back to cooking dinner for us. He fixed us a typical Philippine meal.
Usually my Mom goes over to her friend’s house on Monday’s they have a desert visit and play cards. Tonight Mom invited these friends over to our house for this special dinner and Jim told us all about life in Manila, for him. The meal and the talk was great.
Although with all of this happening on the same day it was just too much again I kind of spoiled the party. I just had to go and lay down again. I guess that signaled everyone to leave. This time that included my brother going to his hotel room, our house is just too small, with Brooke and the girls staying with us. Beside my brother wanted to stay in a hotel.
My room is still not settled the way I want it to be but great progress is being made. Today (Tuesday) I am going to work on it by myself and do a lot of resting. That is after a gentleman from Stavros comes by to teach me how to hire and fire my Personal Care Attendant, and how to fill out the time slip so that she can be paid. I think this is rather important to know. But no one else is expected to come over. And I am so tired that I pray no one will stop by. I need a couple of days of rest.
Friday, January 4, 2013
I have no idea how long it has been since I have written on my blog I hope this message makes up for the silence for so long. My older brother is here from Melina. It is great to see him again, since last February.
He came with me to my doctor’s appointment and he seemed to be pleased with my medical team. Of course, he already knew that I felt that way about them.
I am very surprised at just how tired I get when I go out to do anything. Today my nurse showed up just has I got home from the doctors. She took care of my needs and just before she left she told me to take a long nap. I hope 3 ½ hrs is what she meant if it was then I obeyed her.
It looks like I will have very few doctor appointments from now on. So I have more time to myself. I actually like that. But in some ways is also scares me. It says there is nothing else they can do for me, I knew that this day would come. So I have very mixed feelings.